Shelley’sTangents

Here I am again with my mind going every which way at once… I’ve been trying to put into coherent thought to post something here, but I cannot get it.  So, I’m just going to ramble on for a bit…

I know I wanted to post what was on the birthday card Dan got me.  I don’ t know why, but it touched me and I keep walking by it where I hung it up on my door and it never fails to make me feel like I’m ready to tear up.

I will love you on days when you are perfect in my eyes, and on days when I wonder why you do the things you do.  I will love you when you are the strong center that calms me, and when you want to rest in the comfort of my embrace… I will love you when you are confident and proud of everything that you stand for, and when you need me to remind you how far you’ve come, and that there is no limit to how far you can go… Now and forever, come what may, just as you are… I will love you.

I know most are thinking that there is nothing too special about that, about picking out that card, but to me there is.  I’m never great at describing how I feel and this is no exception, but that simple card touched me.

The next thing I wanted to say was that I’m so very much afraid that one day Dan is going to wake up and realize that the kids and me is not what he wanted in his life, that I somehow ruined everything and that he will hate me for it.  I love him so very much and I do not want him to change anything about him.  I actually love him just the way he is… (I know, it’s odd for a chick to say that, most feel as if they need to change something.)  I just don’t want him to ever hate me… it’s a fear that I think I will always live with.  He has said and shown me and written so many different things to essentially say that he will not do that and I trust him with my life.  Hell, I trust him with not just my life, but the kids’ lives as well… I think I’m at the point now where I just have to trust in that faith I have in him, that he knows himself and in how he feels.

Enough of the doubt I suppose… I’m honestly in love with him.  I love how he can simply look at me to make me smile or make me just want to go to him and wrap my arms around him, how he plays with the children, how he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around me, how he helps without me asking, how he seems to know what I’m thinking, how he holds me tight, how his lips feel on mine.  If I got to spend eternity with him it still would not be enough time… Time away from him is absolutely dreadful.  I cannot sleep as well as I do when I am with him and I do not feel the same at all.  I feel so… down.  I move, doing what needs done.  I smile when appropriately, but there is this place in me that just feels like something is missing when he’s away…

We told our parents about us moving in together (or shacking up as Harry puts it) and about our marriage coming up.  Surprisingly they all took it rather well it seems.  I suppose time will tell how it goes.  I want everyone to be happy for us and to like what we are doing, but I know Dan and I and I know that we will move ahead with what we feel is right.  Dan keeps telling me to trust him that it will all work out and I want to leave this for him… Dan, I do trust you and I will always trust you, for you have my heart with you and I wouldn’t want it any other way.  I love you.

So here I am again putting some lyrics up, but honestly I could not help but to.   The song just made me think so much of Dan truthfully and how I was and how I feel about him.  So, here it is… Halo by Beyonce.

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

So, Dan and I finally set a date.  September 4, 2010.  Providing we don’t just up and decide to do it sooner, that will be the day.  We both wanted sooner, but for the sake of our families we decided that waiting just a little bit wouldn’t hurt.  I cannot tell you how excited I am at the idea of us getting married.  We are also thinking of going to get tattoos done that weekend as well.  No, we are not getting each others names… It made sense to have it on Labor Day weekend so that it would be easier on Dan and our families that wanted to celebrate with us.  In true Dan and Shelley fashion it’s not going to be anything spectacular and elaborate.  Hopefully we can have a small wedding at Inniswoods near Columbus with his Grandfather or Uncle preforming the ceremony.  From there have a party afterwards at his Mom and Dad’s house.  I cannot even see us dressing up for this and I hope that he wears his sandals truthfully.  We can have my sister and his brother as the maid of honor and best man (which I will threaten them both that they better be there on time) and Shannon as flower girl and Nicky as ring bearer.  I doubt my family showing up truthfully.  Nobody from Alabama is going to come up here for this, but I would think that my Mom, Ron, Nanny, my sister and my two nephews and hopefully Aunt Rita and her family could be there.  It will most likely be mainly his family, but that’s fine.  They are a nice group of people that I cannot wait to get to know better.  I actually am a bit nervous that I will fall flat on my face or something, but I honestly think it will be a wonderful day.  We didn’t have much planned in the way of a honeymoon except maybe staying a night or two at a hotel and let the children stay with one of our parents.  Honestly, we wouldn’t be making it out of the room much so it just makes sense.  So, remember to keep the date September 4, 2010!

I have to add this, I honestly just have to.  Dan brought me flowers when he came out to stay with me this past weekend.  As soon as I saw him walking down the steps toward me I know I started to blush along with the huge grin on my face.  A dozen roses… and I know to him that it wasn’t much, but to me it was.  It wasn’t any special occasion and he definatly didn’t do anything wrong, but just because he wanted me to smile.  Smile I have done.  I made him take a few pictures of them and I plan on drying them out so I can keep them.  Honestly it was the first time I have ever gotten a dozen roses and he couldn’t have made it more perfect.  Thank you again for being so perfect to me Dan.

Yeah, I know there should be something more than just lyrics here, but this one I heard tonight and all I could think of was my Dan and how much I love him.  So, here it is… It’s Your Love by Tim McGraw

Dancin’ in the dark middle of the night.
Takin’ your heart and holdin’ it tight.
Emotional touch touchin’ my skin
And asking you to do what you’ve been doin’ all over again.

Oh it’s a beautiful thing don’t think I can keep it all in.
I just gotta let you know what it is that won’t let me go.

It’s your love,
It just does something to me.
It sends a shock right through me.
I can’t get enough.
And if you wonder
About the spell I’m under
Oh it’s your love.

Better than I was, more than I am
And all of this happened by taking your hand
And who I am now is who I wanted to be
And now that we’re together,
I’m stronger than ever
I’m happy and free.
Oh it’s a beautiful thing,
Don’t think I can keep it all in.
If you asked me why I’ve changed,
All I gotta do is say your sweet name.

Alright, so I know a real post would be nice, but hey, this is what I was feeling.  I love the song At Last sung by Etta James.  Excellent song and the lyrics made me think of Dan so I wanted to post them here… more for my amusement I’m sure, but hey that’s why it’s my tangents.

So those who know me know that I was never one to believe in all the love at first sight and true love stuff.  Rather I thought love at first sight to merely be lust and nothing more.  True love?  I would have told you to give me a break.  That is just lying to yourself day in and day out.  So what if I was cynical, that was the truth as I saw it.  Marriage to me was just finding that one person you wanted to annoy for the rest of your life, being stuck with them and finding whatever happiness you could find.  Forget romance, that wasn’t going to happen.  Just a fairytale to make women desire what they cannot find.  Then I met Dan.  I know that sounds so terribly cliche and maybe it is, but it’s the honest truth.  Never in my life have I just been able to be myself around someone like him and not worry about making them angry or not want to be with me.  Everyday I find myself slipping more and more in love with him when I didn’t know I could fall any deeper in love.  Those are really some of the simplest words, I love you, but the emotions behind them are so much more than that.  This feeling I truly hope everyone gets a chance to feel, to be a part of, because it is the most wonderful, heavenly feeling in the world.  Unfortunately we live about 3 and half hours away and it’s killing me to be so far away from him.  I seem like the only time I am myself and happy is when I’m with him, our arms wrapped around each other.  So I know what some people are thinking, that this is just lust, but it honestly isn’t.  I love just talking with him or even just sitting around doing really nothing.  I know there will be people to say that I don’t deserve him, that he deserves better and they might be right.   I’ve told him this, that he’s getting not just me, but two children as well.  Believe it or not, but he’s actually alright with that.  I still get nervous that I’m going to somehow mess this up or he’s going to find someone better, but he tries to reassure me that I cannot mess it up.  I think I will always be nervous that I will.  As for him, well he has nothing to fear.  I’ll always be his.  So my sweet Dan, just in case your still nervous about messing up this relationship, let me tell you you cannot.  To me, you are perfect and everything I have ever wished for in a man.  I would say I couldn’t possibly love you any more than I do, but that would be a lie.  I love you more and more each day and I cannot tell you how much I love you.  Every word I try just falls short.  I know I go off on tangents about it, but it’s just my way of trying to find a way to describe how I feel.  I love you Dan and I’ll always be your Shelley.