Here I am again with my mind going every which way at once… I’ve been trying to put into coherent thought to post something here, but I cannot get it. So, I’m just going to ramble on for a bit…
I know I wanted to post what was on the birthday card Dan got me. I don’ t know why, but it touched me and I keep walking by it where I hung it up on my door and it never fails to make me feel like I’m ready to tear up.
I will love you on days when you are perfect in my eyes, and on days when I wonder why you do the things you do. I will love you when you are the strong center that calms me, and when you want to rest in the comfort of my embrace… I will love you when you are confident and proud of everything that you stand for, and when you need me to remind you how far you’ve come, and that there is no limit to how far you can go… Now and forever, come what may, just as you are… I will love you.
I know most are thinking that there is nothing too special about that, about picking out that card, but to me there is. I’m never great at describing how I feel and this is no exception, but that simple card touched me.
The next thing I wanted to say was that I’m so very much afraid that one day Dan is going to wake up and realize that the kids and me is not what he wanted in his life, that I somehow ruined everything and that he will hate me for it. I love him so very much and I do not want him to change anything about him. I actually love him just the way he is… (I know, it’s odd for a chick to say that, most feel as if they need to change something.) I just don’t want him to ever hate me… it’s a fear that I think I will always live with. He has said and shown me and written so many different things to essentially say that he will not do that and I trust him with my life. Hell, I trust him with not just my life, but the kids’ lives as well… I think I’m at the point now where I just have to trust in that faith I have in him, that he knows himself and in how he feels.
Enough of the doubt I suppose… I’m honestly in love with him. I love how he can simply look at me to make me smile or make me just want to go to him and wrap my arms around him, how he plays with the children, how he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around me, how he helps without me asking, how he seems to know what I’m thinking, how he holds me tight, how his lips feel on mine. If I got to spend eternity with him it still would not be enough time… Time away from him is absolutely dreadful. I cannot sleep as well as I do when I am with him and I do not feel the same at all. I feel so… down. I move, doing what needs done. I smile when appropriately, but there is this place in me that just feels like something is missing when he’s away…
We told our parents about us moving in together (or shacking up as Harry puts it) and about our marriage coming up. Surprisingly they all took it rather well it seems. I suppose time will tell how it goes. I want everyone to be happy for us and to like what we are doing, but I know Dan and I and I know that we will move ahead with what we feel is right. Dan keeps telling me to trust him that it will all work out and I want to leave this for him… Dan, I do trust you and I will always trust you, for you have my heart with you and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love you.
